Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
