I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
