so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
