Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
