I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
worst night to have a conscience
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize