ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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