I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
