I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
