The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think weed is turning my hair brown
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
