Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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