Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
