I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Randomize
