You just made me feel so damn special
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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