Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
