i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
