I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
