he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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