at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
