I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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