i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
