If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
