So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
