we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
