not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
