If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
