She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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