Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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