You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize