So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
