Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
