i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
