haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you will always have a special place in my vag
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
