totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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