I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
