I'd wear matching sweaters with you
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Is it because I queefed?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
