Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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