when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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