textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize