im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
