Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
