Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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