Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
