It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
