He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
