I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
