i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
