i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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