I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i love accidental penises.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
