Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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