She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
