The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
