Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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