She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
