After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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