She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
