I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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