hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
