the condom got lost in my hair
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
