Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
