I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
