i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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