I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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