What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
